Heaven

I am so overrun run with faults and flaws
That gather particulate and granular in the
grooves and crevices that form the network
of my reasoning

Live life by the rationale of bastard's logic:
If love is your intention then you will never leave
If you never leave then everything will naturally fall into correction
If everything naturally falls into correction you then will be happy without
ever having to talk about anything or explain that you trace your history
of expectant love to the very first time your father left and
didn't come back for a few days

When I met you it was just an exercise in what I thought I already knew
Sometimes great things just fall into your lap and you have to accept it graciously
So I accepted you graciously poised in the position of forever
Fed by your belief that we could be forever
Bolstered by my desperate desire for that to be true
It was indulgent
It was a train-wreck
It was a self-fulilling prophecy turned cycle
Dance the dance of fixation
Feet too flawed to realize they could stop
Vision too flawed to recognize
There is something better than the fulfilled anticipation
Of perpetually being put back together again
Always vigilantly aware
That any day could be a day that you were gone

Is this an instance of the infinite
If we don't talk today - will we never talk again
If we don't see each other today - well we never see each other again
Are you gone for an instant, or for infinity?

The seed of anxiety was your fault
But me being such fertile ground was my flaw
I used to know how to swim until I met you
Now, whenever the tide comes in
And I'm pulled under
All I want is to lay still
In the mud of the seabed and
The purification of the saline sheets
Either I forgot how to swim
Or I just got tired of kicking
Or maybe I just empathized with the sharks
Who need something to bleed to feel sustained


You told me you believed in God
For about as long as I had decided that I had given up on him
You believed in perfection
After I had long since told myself that inadequacy was the norm
So I latched on to the notches of your Bible belt
Hoping your immaculateness would rub off on me
Even long after well meaning friends told me
That this was bad for me
But who has ever heeded the advice of the intensity of thunder
As guidance against the stringent stroke of the storm
No surprise when the white hot God-lance seared right through me
An alliterative assault breaking brain bolstered bastard beliefs
completely circumventing circuits created as conduits for an incomplete infatuation

I told you I had given up on the idea of God
But I had never given up on the idea of heaven
Particularly because I know hell exists
Life keeps trying to put out the flames on my doorstep

I still believe in heaven
But heaven for me is not gate or river or tree or life or salvation
For me
Heaven is where the flaws that keep us apart don't matter